My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
