I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
