I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
