well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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