I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
