If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
