that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
