we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
