i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
