my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
