That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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