my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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