one two three fourrrrnication!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
