I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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