Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
