yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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