Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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