I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
