ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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