Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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