So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
