i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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