Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
