LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
