My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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