dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
