Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
