Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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