I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
