I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
