I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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