this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
