opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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