Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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