his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
