New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
