If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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