you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
