she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
