I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I want her autograph on my taint
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
