I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
