Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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