Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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