So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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