ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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