the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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