masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
