Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
