When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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