I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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